THE FACULTY

There are few things more 1998 than The Faculty. Directed by Robert Rodriguez, in between From Dusk Til Dawn and Spy Kids. Written by Kevin Williamson, during that period in his life when he could cough and they’d turn it into a teen drama series on the WB. And the cast. Holy hell. What a cast.

Josh Hartnett in his second ever film role, Jordana Brewster in her first ever film role, Elijah Wood in his one hundredth by that point probably and Clea DuVall dropping by in between Can’t Hardly Wait and She’s All That. And that’s just your leads, you also get appearances from Salma Hayek! Famke Janssen! Usher! Nothing says the nineties are drawing to a close quite like seeing Usher pop up in a high school film. An absolutely nutso cast for an absolutely nutso film. And even pre-The Daily Show Jon Stewart is there to get stabbed in the eye with a pen.

The Faculty itself is also pretty nutso. Ever think your teachers are from another planet? Well guess what, they are; the teachers are aliens and this group of mismatched teens have to do something about it. The Faculty is a lot of fun. It’s best not to think too much about anything that’s happening, especially don’t think about how a key plot development really relies on the fact that Josh Hartnett is a drug dealer who has created his own brand of ecstasy that you snort out of a pen.

Where would I fit into The Faculty? There’s a scene where Harnett’s character Zeke (again it’s best not to think too much about any of the choices in the film and just enjoy that Kevin Williamson could make any choice he wanted to in 1998, like name a character Zeke) makes everybody in the group snort his concoction to prove they’re not aliens, and I think this would be where I’d land in a bit of hot water.

A lot of my mates in high school were big drug boys and I was not at all. I believed in the power of standing up to peer pressure. To the point where I remember turning down beers when I was sixteen because “I had church the next day”. I said that out loud to other teenagers. I’m genuinely amazed I wasn’t bullied more in high school. And I don’t know if that would have served me well in The Faculty, especially if I bumped into some of the gang after they’d figured it all out.

IF I WERE IN 'THE FACULTY' I WOULD: DIE A NERD