SILENT HILL

Imagine a hill with no noise, could such a place exist? It does. It’s called Silent Hill. And there’s a film about it. A film that is at times, excruciatingly noisy. If you’ve ever seen Silent Hill, and I hope that you haven’t, then you’ll know that it is a mess. There are few films worse. There’s no way to enjoy this movie. It’s gronked from start to finish. It’s incoherent, unnecessarily gross, over-the-top in the worst way, and ugly to look at.

I’ve been led to believe that the Silent Hill games are good. I have not played them. I was more of a Banjo-Kazooie kind of guy. If they made Banjo-Kazooieinto a grotty, gruesome horror film then I’d be right there in the front row, complaining that I shouldn’t have sat in the front row, it is far too close to watch a killer bear with the ability to fly because of a bird he has captured and stuffed in his backpack.

The yuckfest that is Silent Hill is directed by Christophe Gans who you might know from real life if you’re friends with him, I guess. And who even knows what it’s about. It stars Radha Mitchell, whose imdb reads like somebody spent the 2000s unable to figure out how to turn down a film. Radha's great, and in some good films, but she's also in like 20 other films in the decade. Radha's character arrives in the town of Silent Hill with her adopted daughter, hoping to find answers to her daughter’s nightmares about the town. Her daughter goes missing, Radha runs around town looking for her daughter, sometimes the town turns into a nightmare dimension filled with monsters and a guy named Pyramid Head.

How would I fit into this sloppy barbwire-filled horrendous mess? Well, the most famous villain of Silent Hill is the aforementioned Pyramid Head, that creepy looking dude with a head shaped like a pyramid. I once was driving my car through the streets of Melbourne and saw a man dressed as Pyramid Head walking down the street, dragging his enormous sword along behind him. I assume – nay – I pray there was some kind of convention in town that he was headed to. Either way it was so much scarier than this stupid film. If I was in Silent Hill, I’d hope not to run into him again.

IF I WERE IN 'SILENT HILL' I WOULD: PYRAMID HEAD-ED