SPECIES

Species came out when I was 12 years old and its existence was too sexy for me. I was super repressed and the idea of an alien that came to earth to fuck was too damn much for me to handle. When my friends started to watch the horny space movie I was out. I had Lion King songs to practice on piano thank you very much, I had no time for your sweaty palms and filthy thoughts.

Watching Species now as an adult, it’s whatever, you know. Species is dumb and is about as erotic as a Ralph magazine cover. It is about an alien named Sil played by Natasha Henstridge who wants to seduce, mate with and then kill a human man. People bemoan the current day sequel-itis and movies only being made from pre-existing IP – but it’s not like cinema was better back when people turned original properties into film. Were the movies more authentic when they were making movies based on the pitch “What about a horny hot alien?”

Sil is on the loose and is being tracked by a team of experts that has maybe four or five more people in it than it possibly needs. Species has a bonkers cast. Not only does Michelle Williams make an appearance as Young Sil, but in the team of experts you’ve got Ben Kingsley (Gandhi!), Alfred Molina (Dr. Octopus!), Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland!), Marg Helgenberger (CSI!) and Michael Madsen (so bad!). Michael Madsen is so bad. And there’s nothing he can really do about it. He’s made to look so bad by constantly having to act opposite every other cast member. Madsen better send Quentin Tarantino incredibly thoughtful birthday presents every year, because he owes everything to that man.

Where would I fit in this movie about a sexy alien being hunted by a team of misfit scientists? If the movie has enough room for five experts already surely a sixth wouldn’t go astray. Maybe they need somebody who can navigate the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles. And while I wouldn’t be able to help on that front at all, I’m sure I could be of some use to this crew.