SAW V
The Saw series sucks. It became such a convoluted series of rotten films so quickly. There are so many Saw movies, and aside from maybe the first two, they’re so bad. They all play like an episode of a TV show that has been running for over a decade and that you haven’t watched in a while and then you tune in and you’re like “Who are the fuck are any of these characters? Why is Luke from Gilmore Girls here now?”
There’s this weird mythology and the movies all tie together in a way that suggests the producers think anybody remembers a single thing that happened in the last movie. And there really are so many of them. Which might be my favourite thing about the series. I’m a sucker for a dozen of any horror franchise. You’ve even got a spin off that Chris Rock came up with which feels like a pre-taped SNL sketch that’s gone on too long.
This Saw that I’m talking about now though is the fifth one and the plot to the fifth one is – WHO CARES. To be honest, I can’t even remember. And it doesn’t matter. The plot exists simply to put some random people inside some traps and to watch them die in a way that is supposed to be vaguely ironic. The TV will flick on, the puppet will appear and Jigsaw will say something like “you looked the other way when a convenience store was robbed, how convenient will it be for you to never look the other way again – you have sixty seconds to stab yourself in the eye with a fork or die because a big choppy thing is going to hit you when the clock hits zero.”
The Saw movies might all suck, but I did love that there was another one every year. That’s all I want for every horror franchise. I remember catching Saw III in cinemas and having a terrible time, feeling gross and wishing I hadn’t seen it. But then I remember being back for Saw IV.
Where would I fit into Saw V? The same place everybody fits into the Sawmovies. The only things that are certain in this world are death, taxes and that every character that’s ever appeared in any Saw film will die. Nobody gets out alive.
IF I WERE IN 'SAW V' I WOULD: DIE, BUT WITH MY ASS INTACT.
