ROGUE

Dear Rogue,

All I wanted was for you to be the greatest film of all time. You have to believe me when I tell you that. You’re an Australian movie about a giant killer crocodile from the dude who made Wolf Creek, when I first saw you in cinemas I was so excited. But I walked away from our encounter doubting you could ever understand how you let me down on that day.

In the years since, each time I see you I think maybe you’ve changed. Maybe this time you’ll be the movie I want you to be, but of course you’re still stuck in your old ways. You can’t change. I know that now. You’re a movie that promises to kill a lot of people through the use of a giant crocodile and you fail to deliver on that promise. You never kill enough people.

It all seemed to be going well, you had Radha Mitchell as Kate Ryan, a tour boat captain in the NT with a boat full of Australian actors and one American. You had to know that all I wanted from you was for you to kill those actors off one by one. You had John Jarratt and Stephen Curry in a boat, and you put a giant crocodile next to that boat, and you thought that I would enjoy seeing them walk away safely halfway through the film. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME AT ALL.

To make matters worse, the American you brought with you was Michael Vartan and it was a stretch for me back in 2007 to figure out why Michael Vartan was the big American name you’d started throwing around, but now, so many years later, it seems ridiculous to me that you thought that including Michael Vartan would impress me. And to introduce me to Michael Vartan and again, to think that I wouldn’t want to see a giant crocodile eat Michael Vatan. Honestly, what is wrong with you, Rogue?

You were from the guy who made Wolf Creek, where it didn’t seem to matter how much we liked a character, they were going to have a grizzly fate, and yet, here, when there’s a giant crocodile on the loose, you let almost every character have a happy ending. Why do you think I’m even here, Rogue, standing on your doorstep? You think I want to see the crocodile lose? I TRY TO LOVE YOU BECAUSE OF THE CROCODILE. THE CROCODILE IS THE ONLY REASON I’VE EVER BEEN HERE.

-sobbing-

And to think! I imagined myself a part of you. I tried to imagine how me, Peter Jones, would fit in with you, Rogue. Even though you, Rogue, don’t seem to care what I want. Well, Rogue, if you must know, I always imagined that I too would find myself in the NT hoping to go see some crocodiles.

IF I WERE IN 'ROGUE' I WOULD: SURVIVE BUT TELL EVERYBODY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE HOW CLOSE I CAME TO BEING ON THAT BOAT THAT FATEFUL DAY