END OF DAYS
It was good Arnold Schwarzenegger retired from acting to become Governor of California. It was bad he was a Republican, but it was good, for him, that he paused his career at that point because it was going south. His filmography hits a slide in 1994 when he makes two movies: True Lies (great!) and Junior (uh oh!). Then he tumbles through Eraser, Jingle All The Way, Batman & Robin, ending the 90s with End of Days, and then falling further in the new millennium with The 6th Day, Collateral Damage and then finally calling it quits after T3: Rise of the Machines.
End of Days is trash. Boring trash. Boring trash is the worst kind of trash. Schlocky trash is great. Messy trash is fun. Goofy trash we’ve all got time for. But boring trash? Put that straight in the bin. Gabriel Byrne is the devil because this was the late 90s and it was the law to put him in your movie. Kevin Pollak plays Arnie’s sidekick, for all you Usual Suspects-heads excited to see Byrne and Pollak together again.
Robin Tunney is also in this, and I can think of few people who have a rougher run of thankless supporting roles during this era than Robin Tunney. Absolutely stoked for her that she got to make what must have been a fuckload of money on television. That’s how boring End of Days is, I’m talking about Robin Tunney’s career on The Mentalist and how well that must have paid so that I can avoid talking about this stupid movie.
Fine.
Arnie is a former cop. He’s an alcoholic. He’s suicidal. His name is Jericho Cane. His partner is Kevin Pollock, whose name is Bobby Chicago. They must protect Robin Tunney’s character from Satan who wants to impregnate her with the Antichrist. Satan needs to do that before the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve and it ticks over to the year 2000. 1999 was a weird ass year for thinking about calendars. Where would I fit into End of Days? GREAT QUESTION. All I wish for is some one-on-one time with Arnie.
IF I WERE IN ‘END OF DAYS’ I WOULD: PUT MYSELF ON AS THE HEADLINER AND BOMB TO SIX COMEDIANS AND TWO TOURISTS WHO THOUGHT THEY HAD TICKETS TO 'LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER'
