THE MEG
The Meg is almost great. It’s almost as fun as you want a movie about an enormous shark to be. The Meg is the sort of movie that would have been better if it had come out in 1999 but then every movie would be better if it came out in 1999. Back when movies about killer sharks cost $20 million and it didn’t matter if it was a big earner or not. Whereas now they cost $178 million and they’re giant corporate Chinese co-productions that have quotas to hit.
The movie throws Jason Statham up against a giant fucking shark and what else do you want? Jason Statham is such a great action hero because you can never see him counting the money behind his eyes. You ever see Al Pacino in any film he released in the 2000s? He’s practically got cartoon dollar signs rattling about in his eyeballs. Not Statham. He’s as present as the big ass CGI shark.
It honestly doesn’t really matter what the movie is about. But if you must know there’s a massive underwater research facility owned by Rainn Wilson. A research team hop in a sub and head to the deepest depths of the Mariana Trench. Who is on that research team? Jason Statham’s ex-wife. Something goes wrong down there. In the process of getting the team back safely, they somehow create a passage in the ocean so that creatures that live in the deepest darkest depths can now come up to our level. And what comes out? A megaladon.
Now, it really should be noted that this is not the best megaladon movie in existence, that is of course Shark Attack 3: Megaladon. Which features this absolutely insane line, which is helpfully titled on YouTube “Shark Attack 3 – That Famous Line”.
https://youtu.be/w1XOfHax6Q8
That is not this movie, so thankfully, for all of us, I will not be writing myself into that scene. Where would I fit into The Meg? I tell you what, I do not like submarines, I do not like them one bit. The idea of them gives me the heebie jeebies. I don’t even know how you would catch me anywhere near the underwater part of the ocean. Only one way to find out.
IF I WERE IN ‘THE MEG’ I WOULD: AVOID THAT BIG ASS SHARK BUT A FEW WEEKS LATER SUCCUMB TO SPACE MADNESS
