RAZORBACK

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say this again, and I’ll continue to say it until somebody says ‘stop, you’ve said this so many times now’, but: my favourite genre of film is BIG ANIMAL KILLS PEOPLE. And Razorback is exactly that. The big animal? A giant wild boar. The people killed? Australians. This is a fun 80s horror movie even if at times the creature looks like somebody dropped that giant Muppet Sweetums into a pond and made him run around on all fours.

Razorback is often spoken of as being one of the best Aussie horror films and I always think it’s important to remember that statements like that come with the biggest of asterisks attached. ASTERISK: “There are only like forty Australian horror films and most of them aren’t very good and this one is alright and that’s good enough for this country.” It won a bunch of film awards in Australia because of course it did. I don’t want to mock this movie – because it is good – but it’s like giving Anaconda an Oscar. Does your awards body need to exist if you’re giving tiny statues to movies about big pigs?

The plot revolves around an American reporter who is eaten by a giant wild boar after investigating a pet food processing plant in the outback. Her husband, Carl travels to Australia to figure out what happened to his wife and take revenge on the monster that has been terrorising the town. There’s nothing more authentically Australian than giving the lead role to a D-list American (Gregory Harrison from the MASH spin-off series, Trapper John!). Forget sacrificing virgins to volcanoes appease the Gods, Australia offers the gift of an American nobody to appease the international markets.

How would I fit into Razorback? Well, first we’d have to plant me from now back in the 1980s in an outback Australian town called Gamulla. Why would I ever possibly visit a small town in the middle of nowhere? The same reason I ever do, I’ve been booked for a gig and I didn’t have a better offer. It just so happens that my visit to Gamulla happens to coincide with the appearance of the biggest wild boar you’ve ever laid your eyes on.

IF I WERE IN 'RAZORBACK' I WOULD: EARN FIFTY WHOLE DOLLARS