ORPHAN
Orphan is one of those horror movies where you have to really accept the fact that the characters in the film are happily doing something that you would never do. Peter Sarsgaard and Vera Farmiga play Kate and John. They adopt a little girl named Esther who we find out has murderous tendencies. The thing is though that there is something so off about this little girl from the get go that it is absolutely crazy to me that they would ever want to adopt her.
We have to talk about the twist and enough time has passed that we should be able to talk openly about it. Because the twist is bonkers. This little girl is no little girl at all. She’s a grown woman who happens to be very small. Now that’s a good twist. Surprise! I’m a grown ass lady! And I’m going to kill you and your family!
Kate and John, ESPECIALLY John, are so very stupid that it truly is hard to feel sorry for them when this little absolute psycho that they’ve invited into their house starts enacting her wrath on the family. Obviously you don’t want the other kids to get hurt, but you don’t mind seeing Sarsgaard cop it after he starts siding with Esther over his wife.
There’s a strong The Good Son energy to a lot of this movie. Much like Jaume Collet-Serra’s other film The Shallows, Orphan is incredibly effective even if it isn’t the smartest piece of cinema you’ll ever watch. But sometimes you don’t need that. Sometimes you just need an evil devil child who is actually a grown ass woman murdering nuns. Oh yeah, she murders a nun in this movie.
Where would I fit into Orphan? Probably just go about my life getting to enjoy the snow. I don’t get to enjoy the snow very often and there’s a lot of snow in this movie. Sure, the snow often gets covered in blood but until that point it’s there to be enjoyed. No, you’re right, I probably wouldn’t just be frolicking in the snow, I would probably be very suss on that weird ass little girl though.
IF I WERE IN ‘ORPHAN’ I WOULD: GO HOME, GOOGLE TOWNS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY, MOVE TO ONE THOSE TOWNS, SET UP A WHOLE NEW LIFE; ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM THAT CREEPY ASS LITTLE GIRL
