HELLRAISER

Golly. Hellraiser is such an unpleasant film. This is everything I never want in a horror movie. It’s author Clive Barker’s directorial debut and I don’t care for it one bit. It’s so graphically violent and hypersexual. It was made in 1987 when cheap movies looked like shit. The whole film feels sopping wet and you don’t want to start asking questions about where the moisture came from.

Clive Barker is Stephen King if you replaced the state of Maine with a sexual sadomasochistic demon realm. Not for me. And I do get how you could be into Hellrasier. I can see the Pinhead Pop! Vinyl figure (still in its box) on your bookshelf sitting in front of a box set containing all ten Hellraiser movies. Because there are ten Hellraiser movies. My favourite of which is Hellraiser: Deader, which I’ve never seen but it’s title makes me laugh, and watching Hellraiser puts me in such a grim place that it’s good to laugh again.

This is the poster for Hellraiser, if you see Pinhead and think “that’s a bit much” imagine what they’re putting in the movie.

How’s this description from Wikipedia? “Its plot involves a mystical puzzle box which summons the Cenobites, a group of extra-dimensional, sadomasochistic beings who cannot differentiate between pain and pleasure.” There are a lot of hooks in flesh and bodies being torn apart. The Cenobites are from a “religious sect in Hell known as the Order of the Gash”, righto Clive Barker, whatever you reckon.

What would it be like if I were in Hellraiser? I tell you this, I’d hate it. I’d hate every minute of it. I wouldn’t even enjoy being in the parts of the movie where there are no creeps with metal bits poking out of them. I can’t imagine how I would cope coming face to face with Pinhead.

IF I WERE IN 'HELLRAISER' I WOULD: AVOID HARDWARE STORES AND PUZZLE SHOPS UNTIL I EVENTUALLY WORKED THROUGH THAT ENCOUNTER WITH MY THERAPIST