CRAWL

How good are movies where big chunky reptile things chomp on stuff? They’re so good. Usually they’re not literally “so good." Usually they’re “so good!” in the sense that they’re actually quite bad but that’s why you enjoy them. Nothing better than a “so good!” killer reptile on the loose to bond some housemates.

Picture me in my early twenties, on a recliner, sitting next to my housemate Brenton on his matching recliner in a living room of a share house decorated with nothing but the sides of six packs from a variety of different beers. “This one’s German!” We’d say, pointing at another beer we also bought from Dan Murphy’s. Anaconda is on the screen. Ice Cube is giving it his all. We’re laughing because this film is a failure in our eyes. What we don’t see is the film staring back at us. Looking at our lives. Laughing at us. Anaconda slides back into its DVD case, crawls up alongside Lake Placid and hisses “I enjoy watching those two because they’re just so bad at being people it’s so good!”

Crawl is so good though. Genuinely. Properly. Actually. Really. Very much. So good. In the sense that it’s a really good film that’s really good.

There are a bunch of alligator and crocodile movies on the market and I’ve spent a lot of time with them.

I’ve seen Rogue three times, once in cinemas, and it’s not that good.

I’ve seen Lake Placid three times, once in cinemas, and it’s not that good.

I’ve seen Black Water: Abyss once, because even though it doesn't seem like it I have my limits.

My system cries out of a crocodilian film so bad that it takes what little nutrients it can from whatever floats down the river.

Crawl is great.

It’s directed by that French dude Alexandre Aja who directed High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes, so you know, this is obviously also a pretty chill film. It stars Kaya Scodelario as Haley, who goes to check on her dad at their old home in Florida as a Hurricane is headed their way. Also, a bunch of alligators have gotten out and they’re in the house.

How would I fit into Crawl? Well, if I were in Florida and I heard there was a Category 5 Hurricane headed my way I think I’d know exactly where I’d be.

IF I WERE IN 'CRAWL' I WOULD: BE SO FAR AWAY FROM THOSE ALLIGATORS