THE THING
John Carpenter’s The Thing tells the story of a thing from outer space that lands in Antarctica and is discovered by a group of American researchers. The thing has the ability to transform into replicas of various organisms. If it wants to look like a dog, it’s going to look like a dog. If it wants to look like Kurt Russell, it’ll figure out how to look like Kurt Russell. Unless you interrupt its transformation, in which case it’s going to look like a giant gross spider thing with a human head that’ll scurry off out of the room and make you say, out loud, “yuck”.
The thing about The Thing that is the most horrifying has got to be the special effects. It came out in 1982 and so the special effects are all practical effects, and that sort of thing always creeps me out. Even if occasionally the various things look a little bit like a puppet, it doesn’t change the fact they are gross as hell. The Dog-Thing? I wouldn’t even want to be in a room with that prop. There are few things more upsetting to me than a wet puppet.
It’s such a blessing then that The Thing didn’t come out in, say, 1995 and look like Johnny Mnemonic. That weird period of time when people were throwing away physical props for special effects that weren’t quite there yet and everything ended up looking like a screensaver that went weird.
The Thing famously opened in cinemas the same weekend as Blade Runner and got smashed by the juggernaut that was E.T. It was considered a flop on arrival before having a long life on cable and home video back when those were two places where people would watch movies.
I bring that up only so I can talk about E.T. for a moment. That is a movie I have never understood the appeal of. And I’ve tried. I didn’t like it as a kid, I didn’t like it as a teenager when I was going through a Dawson Leery phase of worshipping at the feet of Steven Spielberg, and I didn’t like it as an adult. This feels like a wrong opinion to hold, but: give me Hook a thousand times before making me watch E.T. again.
Look, this is all well and good but let’s get to the bones of the whole thing – where would I fit into The Thing? What scene would have to take place to fit me, Peter Jones, into this world of American researchers in Antarctica stumbling across a terrifying extraterrestrial shapeshifter.
I think it would all come down to the character of Windows, the radio operator. I’ve always felt the movie needed one extra scene - a flashback - where Windows is living with his housemate, an Australian named Peter Jones. Let’s imagine a world where there is an alien creature sowing distrust amongst a group of men in a remote outpost and the movie decides to take a three-minute detour back into the past life of the communications officer.
IF I WERE IN 'THE THING' I WOULD: SURVIVE BUT MISS MY FRIEND
