THE HAUNTING

When I first started watching movies there were a handful of directors that I got really big into and got hooked on as ‘the directors I love’. Obviously, obviously, obviously, as a big headed Dawson Leery type I was mad for Spielberg, but I was also big on Jan de Bont. Big on Jan. And only because of Speed and Twister. That was enough. I was all in on Jan. I knew his backstory – worked as a DP, worked on Die Hard, then got to start making his own movies – and I was excited for whatever Jan would do next.

I could not WAIT to see The Haunting. I honestly have to have been the only one. Who else was out there clamoring for another entry in the de Bont oeuvre. I was out there absolutely salivating for the work of a man who had impressed me with his ability to make competent watchable thrillers. That was enough. If you can do that, if you can make two fun movies, and if I’m able to absolutely ignore Speed 2: Cruise Control, then you are somebody I would list as one of my favourite directors.

I thought The Haunting would be great. I saw it in cinemas. It was not great. It’s not really anything. It has Lili Taylor, and Liam Neeson, and Catherine Zeta Jones, and Owen Wilson, and even then it isn’t anywhere near as fun as that cast suggests it should be. As far as works based on The Haunting of Hill House go, watch Mike Flanagan’s The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. That’s phenomenal. This? This is nothing.

Of course, as a de Bont-head, I chalked it up as a simple misstep. I thought the 2000s would see a career resurgence for my man Jan. He makes Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, which I go with my friends to the Reading Cinemas in Rouse Hill and get the all you can eat popcorn option, which they had at the time, where you could eat so much popcorn your lips would crack. I promptly fell asleep in that movie. And Jan would never make another film.

Where would I fit into the plot of The Haunting? All of the leads are at the house because they’re part of a ‘sleep program’. They can’t sleep. Liam Neeson wants to monitor them. I sometimes have problems sleeping. I could see myself signing up to this program, and I could see myself right in the middle of that scene where Owen Wilson finds himself getting decapitated by a swinging lion head.

IF I WERE IN ‘THE HAUNTING’ I WOULD: GET CHOMPED REAL GOOD